Announcement & Sticky [3]

MICHAEL MORTON - HYPOCRITE FREN (CHIMNEY RECORDS / STEAM ROOM PRODUCTIONS) FEB 2011
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LISTEN & DOWNLOAD "HYPOCRITE FREN"

Design/Theme & Layout - Rating: Excellent

I would just like to start off this Design/Theme & Layout review by saying I am very...

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This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him.

That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties
. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.

She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee...

This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard.
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!". Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?" "I am the devil", she replied.
The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned...

Sunday morning in Bronx, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a Jamaican.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the Jamaican), why didn't you run out scared...

A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.

The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".

Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." replied Gita.

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Jamaican"...

There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.

Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."

Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.

Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?"...

A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply.

One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes.

He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet.

He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother...

There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train, with the girl being in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!

As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.

The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black...

Dear Lord,

Over the past year,

You took my favourite artiste (Michael Jackson) away.

You took one of my favourite actors (Patrick Swayze) away.

You took my favourite sound system selector (Squingy from Bass Odyssey) away.

You took my favourite American comedian (Bernie Mac) away.

You took my favourite dancehall producer (Wycliffe 'Steely' Johnson)

Well, 2009 has been a tough year to say the least Dear Lord,
More new taxes, strife and hardship upon Jamaica.

So I'd just like to let you know Dear Lord,

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took his sharp pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good."

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue...

A Trinidadian man, Bajan man, and a Jamaican man went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the Trinidadian wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped, and fell. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any panties. The Trinidadian man angrily demanded to know why she wasn’t wearing any underwear. "Well, dahlin," she explained, "you give me so little money that I hav' to make sacrifices. Usually nobody does notice."

The Trinidadian man pulls $100 out of his pocket.

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish...

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant, Scared She confides this news to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed...

The sales rep from the Corona Beer Company in Mexico sits at a bar in Toronto and says to the bartender "Senor, I would like the world's best beer, Corona."

The Budweiser rep who was also at the same beer convention in the city sits on the stool beside the Corona rep and says "I would like a bottle of the best beer in the world, King of beers, a Budweiser please."

So next, in walked the Coors rep who shouted "I would like the world's best beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring water, barkeep, give me a Coors beer please."

While everyone...

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, "Star apples J$100.00 each".

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?" The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla." The farmer says, "Just turn it around an bite again man." He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, "Mi...

A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?

The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"

The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"

The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?

Thanks...

A Rastaman goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier ... shocked, the cashier asks ... "Whats this for?"

The Rastaman replies ... "I man is here to open a joint account."

Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh Jamaican people dem different yuh nuh? Mi love dem ... still dere are some tings yuh woulda neva see wi a do, hear seh wi ah seh or even attempt fi try.

Tek fi instance ...

Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top?

Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle?
Fi wah reason???

you ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday?

Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White...

In a joint statement issued by the presidents of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA), the International Olympic Committee (IOC), and the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF), the following foods have been placed on the list of banned substances issued by WADA: yam, green bananas, cocoa, dasheen, breadfruit, ackee and saltfish, mackeral run down, turned cornmeal, Jerked pork and chicken, escovietched fish Malta, Supligen, Milo (said to be the food drink of Champions), Horlicks and coconut oil.

Jamaicans seem to become extremely athletic on diets containing these foods....

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."

The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon. The warden serves him his Filet Mignon,
and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES???"

"Yes, strawberries."

The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"

Dear Santa,

I know you probably wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas but after opening mi present dem yestiday, I just had was to write yuh. Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round. Mi listen to mi madda when she talk to mi and mi help out wid di chores dem round de house. Mi even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh. One day mi all help out di old crasses Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, crass the road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an dida tek gamble pon what kind of cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh fi dead,...

A Jamaican and a Trinidadian, waiting at the pearly gate, strike up a conversation.
How yu dead?" the Trinidadian man asked the Jamaican. "Me freeze to death man," says the Jamaican. "That's awful, how it feel fi freeze to death?" asked the Trinidadian. "Well bredda it very uncomfortable at first, when de cold jus lick yu, yu whole body start fi shake an' you get pain inna yu finga an' toe. But eventually, it a very calm way fi dead. Yu get numb an' den yu; jus drift off, like when yu' sleeping."

"How yu dead man?" asked the Jamaican....

Big boy went to school and heard other students using 'raas'; not knowing what it means he went home and said to his mother, "mama wat raas mean?"

His mother replied "is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pan."

The next day Big boy heard the word 'fuckin' being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, "Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere."

Big Boy heard yet another word, 'bumbo', so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that 'bumbo' is a walking stick.

A woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile, then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie. So ... what yuh want?'

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to...

A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled,...

After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF JAMAICA IS ATTACKED?

Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in Jamaica we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.

1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings.

2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill.

3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there...

A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank in MoBay. So mi drink...

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

1. 2 Jamaican men and 1 Jamaican woman
2. 2 Trinidadian men and 1 Trinidadian woman
3. 2 Guyanese men and 1 Guyanese woman
4. 2 Bajan men and 1 Bajan woman
5. 2 Antiguan men and 1 Antiguan woman
6. 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
7. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:

One Jamaican man killed the other Jamaican man for the Jamaican woman.

Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to Waterford after a night drinking. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Trevor has a brainwave and says to Tony, “Go in de and tief a bus so we can drive home and mi wi stay out ya and watch out fi de police".

Tony duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Trevor is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Trevor sticks his head around the wall and sees Tony running from bus to bus and looking...

A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a frail, grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes me nuh yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu nuh know say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa...

Osama bin Laden gets up this morning, stands in front of the mirror and asks "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most feared terrorist of them all?"

A voice from the mirror replies, "You of course, Osama bin Laden". He runs outside and tells his bodyguards and people what transpired, and there was cause for great celebration. This then became a morning ritual with him,
to ask the mirror the same question and because the mirror kept endorsing him with this title, there was celebration every morning among his people.

Then one morning his bodyguards...

Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango
right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?"

"True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh."

The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down.

"It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten." Back down the tree he went and then they began to stone the mango tree again.

Recently, this Jamaican won the 10 million special lottery for a dollar. As soon as the office of the Lottery Corporation was open on the following day, he was there to collect his winnings.

Graciously, he presented his winning ticket to the clerk and in his best English uttered his request "Me cum fi collect the 10 millian dallars, si me ticket ya".

After reviewing and checking the ticket with his manager, the clerk returned and requested on how he would like his payments. The Jamaican replied, "Mi wan all a de money now".

"Unfortunately,...

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh madda if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then go ask yuh bradda if him would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then come back and tell me wha yu find out."

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can...

Black Singles Online
There was a man who had nuff riches ... big car, house on the hill, gal, money and odda ray ray ray.

Many men wished to be in his shoes. Since the rich man knew this, he took it upon himself to put some of these men on a little test for his riches. He invited them to his place and told each that if they can swim across his swimming pool without getting bitten or scratched by the crocodiles in there, they could then have anyting dem want ... his car, his gal, his house .. whatever.

All of them ketch dem fraid and said them wouldn't do it. As he turned...

A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi
bout fi av di pikni!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The...

The West Indies
coach had put together his team for the World Cup Cricket tournament. The only thing that was missing was a good bowler.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd story window 200 yards away, ka-boom!

He threw another hand grenade into...

1."No wifey, tek my car instead."

2."Waiter, this steak is overcooked."

3."She 'ave a nice body.... but 'ar bottom too big."

4."Wha'apen Mr.Deejay, you cyaah play some calypso?"

5."Di pill doan gree wid mi wife so ah gweh get a vasectomy."

6."No sweetie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites (rum), mi haffi drive all de way to Kingston and it dark and wet outside."

7."Some ah mi closest friend dem gay."

8."Size dont matter."

9."Yeah mi...

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by...

At the 1997 Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up and said, "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up and said, "After last years conference I went home and told my husband that...

At St. Andrew Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!...

A Jamaican couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse...

A Jamaican man is sitting watching TV
and his wife comes up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan.
"Aaahh! Wat dat for?" he shouts
"Me find one paper inna yuh pocket wid a gyal name pon it, "Miss Melba" says his wife.
"Wa yuh mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy go a race
track last week and Miss Melba is de name a de horse dat run inna de first race," he protests.
Two days later he is sitting watching TV again and "wack!"- one bitch lick inna 'im head - with the back of the
dutch-pot.
"Ooowww," he shouts....

Romie looking exasperated threw one more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing thin.

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can't tek badderation enuh. A what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules! Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: ( come to window half asleep) Romie? Romie? Wherefore art yuh deh? Oh baby. Deny yuh Puppa and refuse yuh name....

One night a father
put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked.
"Mi noh know, " the little girl
said.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."...

- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff

- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator

- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says "Yuh only have one piece? Beg yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh. DO!"

- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say "this is NOT a boarding announcement."

- You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment

A gunman walks into a shop in Kingston and pulls his gun.

He tells the customers to lie on the ground, then gets the money from the cashier.

As the gunman leaves, he asks one customer if he saw who robbed the shop. The customer says yes ... "BLAM", the gunman shoots him.

He then asks another customer if he saw who robbed the shop. Customer says "No, but my Wife was just whispering to me that she thinks she knows you".

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess...

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name - Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari

Age - I man noh count birtday

Date of Birth - Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings deh man

Address - Uppa di Hills a Wesmorlan

Tel. No. - I man Doan participate ina di Bablyon system

Marital Status & No. of Children - I an I hav nuff comman law wif an 21 likkle soljas a run bout roun di island

Occupation: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi Kitchen winda

Company Name - I man noh kip company yuh noh seeit

A Jamaican driving in his brand new BMW Z8
pulls over to take a leak. A truck speeding down the street crashes into his door just as he`s about to come out of his car, sending it flying off the hinges. Enraged, he uses his cell phone to call 911.

When the police arrives he explains what happened: "Star, di man jus come lick off de door a mi bimmer!! Mi car write off to rass!!"

The police, after surveying the scene shakes his head in amazement and says, "You Jamaicans are so materialistic. You`re so into the damage of your car door, that you didn`t even...